did i live everyday of last year?

last year seems so long ago. because i dont remember much of it. maybe it is so much the same as today, that's why i dont feel the difference.

let me recall, last year feels the same as the year before last, as did the year before last before last, 'cept maybe i grew older, memory got worse and dont remember the difference.

i laughed a lot in 2003. but i think i cried a lot more. happy things happened. but i just cannot find peace and joy in my heart. i seemed to have lost something. passion for the things i do. i cant feel it, everything i did, it seemed that i was just going through motion. i always thought that if one had no talent, then that's just too bad, but without passion, everything is meaningless. 2003 was not all that. i worked hard, really hard some days, like in derek's class. i would stay on in the stinky and dark darkroom hours after hours, even going back on saturday, just because i want to do a good print. i roamed the streets with my camera becuase i wanted to take a good shot. and it worked. i got two. two that i truly was proud of. i worked hard in peggy's class too, because i felt i was not good enough for her illustration class. i worked even harder in cheeyong's class, because i didnt know what he was expecting. kin's pixel collage too. i was so worried when the last piece got screwed up, because i worked really hard on it and i was truly proud of it, until i saw ser's work. haha. well, at least i managed to convince myself that we worked with different styles.

unfortunately not all days were like that. i didnt really put in my best for gb. didnt put in my best for red cross. i was not humble enough a servant. there were times when i werent keen enough to forgive and forgive. times when i didnt remember that i made mistakes before. times when i could have gone out to share the word but i held back.

sighz

friends became strangers and strangers remained strangers. sad. with so many people around me, i became terrified of the surrounding. i dont know who's for me and who's against me. i dont know who really loves me as shirley. sometimes, i want to live like moses, who seems to live without a care for anything in the world. he wants to be a magician. i cant be one, coz my tricks are out of the bag before i present them. but i can be the magician's best audience, coz i am so dumb and it makes me so easy to fool. or like ian, who feels so confident of himself. or like jianfu, who looks so comfortable with or without people, or derek , whom i adore because he is so cool being himself. haha. all the above views are strictly personal and do not represent the abovementioned.

haha. but ultimately, i am still shirley. gotta be comfortable with myself.

days are not without regrets and unhappiness. like the recent YM camp. i will learn to forgive, like Christ did. learn to love, like Christ. learn to be more Christlike so that i will be a testimony for the one i so love.

this post is inspired by derek. he replied my email. for those who knows i adore him. this is the reason for it. he probably do not know who i am, but replied all the same. and challenged me too. this was this reply

"it would be good to have been your lecturer if knowing that you spend the last day of the year every year telling yourself 'i lived life everyday of that year'. carpe diem."

for the first time in my life, i came up with a few resolutions for 2004, so i will live the 365 days in this year.

1.pack my room
2.work really hard at the things i am going to do
3.love more, and let go of grievances more readily
4.stand by my views and dont be influenced so easily
5.love family more and not take my mum for granted

that's it.

oh. to hongmeng and sandra, wishing you guys marital bliss, and may the good Lord bless your lives together =)