i have been ignored. perhaps i have offended more people than i know. haha. to think i thought i only offended you. sighz. i am really really tired. like real tired. i slept a lot recently. more than any time in my life. really. 'cept when i was a little baby, haha. i am not making sense.

in the computer lab. wasting my life. hoping to find some hope. but nah~ i cant seems to find any. it's freezing in the lab and the lecturer refuse to start because there's only three of us. damn the rest. i messaged them already.

feeling lonely. i am really kinda envious. envious at their closeness and the spirit of togetherness. people i know are either too busy for me, or they are delibrately ignoring me. not that i mind, because i know they have better things to do. maybe i havent made friends all these years. quite pathetic to say, but maybe i havent. i must find things to do alone. alone is somewhat scary, somewhat enjoyable. being alone does not mean being lonely and that i must remind myself from time to time. being alone is okay. and knowing that people dont love you is okay too, because not everyone must love me. i guess it's about being able to face up to reality. what's real and what's ideal is a whole world of difference. i am quite scared to say that i have changed from an idealist - someone so positive and upbeat about life to somewhat of a realist. the real whole is too scary. i am scared. all of a sudden, i lost strength to live, and find myself seeking cover. i have become a coward. i do not understand people and the meaning of existence. i find myself thinking there's no real love. we are doing things for a reason. and the reason used to be love. how bizarre have we changed. changes are meant to be good, but to change to without love, that's like living without God. God is love. aint it?

i think i was too angry yesterday. but i dread going home and seeing the fishes. perhaps the little fishy will hate me too. perhaps i am just angry. perhaps you have not been the influence you ought to be, on me. perhaps we havent been spending enough time together. perhaps you need to be home more often. perhaps you have to show more love. perhaps you shouldnt have me in the first place. a lot of thoughts are spinning around in my head. and that i dont want to think of them. i just wanna sleep. but this is the last week to enjoy before the internship. and if i dont have fun. work is going to pile on and on. and the tuition too. i got to think of ways to make money. i need to get my powerbook G4. i am kinda scared about going for internship. it's not like it's back in school where we got freedom and space to do our work. it's about being controlled. i need the space. perhaps like jinhui, i have been a mei chu xi all my life. btw, i dont think he is lah. he just expects too much of himself. too sheltered, too protected, life has been just too good.

i was thinking about terence. he's been too nice. he should be like iskandar. just step on the ones that is no good. why give face. only the strongest will survive. why decieve the weak and give them hope. when he said about throwing lousy works, i thought about mingzong sir when he threw cedric's proposal. hahahahahahhahaha. we were all expecting that didnt we?? i thought that terence has been too nice to shirley. not me though. i think if you have put in effort and if your work is not that good, the least you could do is to show proper work attitude and respect for others. i hated the way she threw her work on the floor. what does that mean?? what are you trying to say? i dont think i am as magnanimous as terence as to speak to her nicely. i would have thrown you out of my class if you were my cadet. perhaps that's why i like terence so much. i think humility and respect is very important. that's how he treated us, i dont see why you cant. it's true he's late, but werent you equally late? if someone had to lose temper at him for being late, i think i should be the one, i was on time, and i even went to help him carry his work.

long musing.

i think i am too short. i am sitting on TWO chairs in the computer lab to see the screen properly and to type properly. *hahaha - shortie!!! points finger at shirley

told ya. it's a bout of low self esteem. i think i am wasting my life.