+2002,2003,2004

for you.

we graduated and somehow lost contact but you were in my mind so often. you became a best friend who werent there and then it seems that angelene became my only friend. it feels that we could make time for everyone else except for each other. best friends became a scary thought to me. my room has been packed and messed up numerous times and each time you werent there to see the clean room. and i finally threw away that bolster that couldnt stand. now you cant laugh at me anymore. my enthusism for red cross died and i cant stand going for red cross for too long. and how you would tell me that all juniors will start from stratch and so i perserved on. but then being ignored and being taken for granted is not a nice feeling at all. and i cant even share with you whos the irritating one and whos kind. and i would often remember how you remember all the names of my sirs and ma'ams. i remember yanshan too. after we graduated, theres no one to do the silly things with me. i became boring and bored. there were times when i cried and hoped that you will be there and i hope that you always have someone there for you when you needed one. i never made friends again because i think friendship never lasts. there was ye camp when i was camp commandant and was really scared cos i have a committee thats so young and there were so many participants. i smiled when you sent me a message to wish me happy birthday cos thats the first birthday message that i received that year. and that was also the first day i gave tuition to this little boy named ryan.

i am no longer obessed with my sirs and ma'ams like i used to be so excited when i see them in the past because i have grown up and realised that they are just like me. except maybe they have more wrinkles and wisdom. but mingzong sir still never fail to amaze me and i call louis sir the evil one now. but he really aint that evil. hes now with that senior i used to dislike back in school. now there are actually people being obessed with me. not obessed lah. that would be too freaky, but there are juniors who likes me. hahahas. i am sorry i am so thickskinned.

my grandma often asked about you and that always made me think about how you complain about your moms cooking. you ungrateful kid. hahas. my grandma's been sick recently and cant make fried chicken anymore because she dont have the energy to stand for so long.

then i got involved in GB. kinda exciting, kinda scary.

then i met some of your friends when we wanted to watch spiderman. hahas. now its spiderman two already. joel chua soon nee. thats the name of your friend. i said whitewash for my shop, then you said liquid paper. got hooked on ever since. hahas. orangeliquidpaper, get it?

i went to my first BB camp. was really fun. i love kids.

school started. i freaked out. orientation, camp, starting of school. really scary. i didnt make many friends in the two years i was there. but there are nice people there. you remember the pictures in the book? yah. they are my friends. i got best freshie during camp. did you know that? i was this irritating, pissed off person in the camp who was unenthustic and i won. i told myself to hate everyone in the camp and the camp when i went because i didnt know anyone. no one at all. but i cried on the last day of camp. how ironic. childish too.

was slacker in everything except school. now i am slacker in everything except being a slacker. did real badly in school last semester. you are someone who always an inspiration for me to study hard. maybe we can meet in uk.

i am learning the piano now. i want to be musical too. hahas. but i am not practising as much as i should. giving tuition again. my forth kid already.

i am saving money now. for my future, for school and all the silly things i promised to buy for you. the timpani. the precious moment figurines.

and theres the many crushes that i have. feel so silly. hahas. i remember my crush in secondary school. do you know? hahas. i think you do. but we both refuse to admit it. tell me when you find your other half kaes. i wanna be happy for you.

i started forgiving my paternal grandma in these couple of years too. cos its just so hard to hold on to a grudge.

i still fear eating alone. but i have managed a few meals on my own. i hang out alone. i go shooting on my own. and i have been to many places on my own. it feels almost like i am so comfortable with myself that i do not need anyone. never tried asking anyone because i dont know how to deal with anyone walking beside me. so i have learnt to walk alone, with God, with memories of yesterday.

i love journalling. i wrote 3 journals during this time. i wrote in chinese and my ugly handwriting. i kept a photolog too. that book i wrote of my pain and sadness. i got disappointed with photography that i didnt want to do it anymore. too many disappointments breaks a person and i was so broken. i was disappointed with the results on the slides and i was disappointed with the people i worked with. i stayed late most of the days helping others finish but i had to do mine almost alone, i upset so many people, caused so much inconvenience to others that i got angry with myself. i didnt want to do photography. i cried when i made that decision because it feels like such a big decision. but photographys the sole reason why i pursued a diploma instead of an a level certificate. but unfortuately i discovered i didnt have talent to pursue this passion. i found another love during this time. its still talentless me with passion. illustration. drawing makes me happy these days.

just this short couple of years made grow up so much. i quieten down a lot i think. i wasnt as crazy because i dont have a crazy partner beside me anymore. i didnt go around saying hi my name is shirley, do you want to be my friend? because that belonged to you. i am not as arrogant as i used to be but humbled myself because i dont know a lot actually. i dont walk with my nose in the air anymore. but recently my shoulders have slouched and my head is a little bowed. but still the bad tempered shirley who cannot be bothered with a lot of things. be honoured, because i am never as patient with anyone else to sit down to write what you have missed out in the last two years.

i cant be bothered with a lot of people because giving a part of yourself means that you could lose it and become heartbroken. this couple of years, i cried so much till i lost count. my journals became a little crumpled cos of the tear stains.

i am still obessed with my books and papers and i still keep them as straight as i can. and my disgustingly disgusting handwriting didnt change. cos i like it that way. i like it when theres no spaces between the words and how they all look like they are of the same height. its the same with you, aint it? you always eat up some of your words and the last letters that your notes becomes illogical. like, /quote/ i lead a very life from last time /unquote/ am i not right? hahas.

i love pink these days. and i love all things ugly to you and me in the past. like my thick frame glasses. but i only wear black these days cos its the easiest clothes to buy. and for your info, theres no word such as freeier, i think. hey potential lawyer, i am sure you need to be able to spell. only my job doesnt require me to know how to spell. cos theres always the copywriter. hahas.

i am watching meteor garden two now. and i realised that i have got endless stuff to tell you. i bought an ibook and an ipod and i am going to get a crumpler bag soon. i still sound like a chicken when i sing and you were the only one who dares say it. ungrateful kid. i sang shine Jesus shine for you. thanks for leading me so safely the other time. that was the best trust walk i have been to. i wasnt scared though i could see. i always try to peep when we do that in red cross.

what didnt change is all my passwords and atm card number. so if you pick up some of my cards on the floor, which is highly possible, you know the number. but theres not much money in the accounts.

thankfully you found friends. i am still searching for mine.

i still keep in touch with the giges.

internship ended. and i am a free kid again. call me. or wait for my call. when i am ready to meet people again.

whatever it is. you still owe me two birthday presents and one christmas present. hahas.

i love you.
shirley